Acedia

… and I can’t get up…, groaned an elderly lady while clutching to her chest and flopping around on TV.  Jimbo smirked and changed channels.

“This is gonna be so awesome.”  Ted buttoned up a shirt covered in martini glasses with floating, toothpick-skewered olives and drink shakers.  “I’m gonna get so many girls this week.  I’d better go back to Chicago with at least three STDs.”

            Jimbo, sitting on the hotel room’s bed by the wall, stopped the rapid-fire channel surfing and rested the remote control in his lap.  “You’re not getting any pussy, so quit kidding yourself.”

            “Not getting any pussy?”  Ted plopped down on the bed near the window and look out at Panama City Beach’s emerald waters and sugar white shores.  “Do you see this view?  This pastel scenery is the panty pull down, Jimbo.  We didn’t drive a thousand miles and turn our backs on all that snow to watch Bible Belt TV and jerk each other off.”

            Jimbo snorted.  “You’re not sexy enough for me to jerk you off, so don’t creep into my bed when you come home drunk and horny and alone tonight.”

            Ted rolled over and faced his roommate.  “Wait, you’re not coming to La Vela with me?”

            “Afraid not.”

            “Dude, it’s the largest nightclub in the country—this is why we saved our money for the past year.  There is going to be so many chicks, no, so many HOT chicks in that place…  I bet there will be two girls for every guy.”

            “Not really interested.  I’m going to sit here, watch TV.  I might hook up the PS3 in a little bit, shoot some cowboy zombies.”  Jimbo returned his attention to flipping through the channels.

            …if erections last more than four hours, consult your doctor…

            “Not really interested…  It’s a damn shame, man.  I don’t get you.  I thought you were going to be fun.”  Ted zipped up his board shorts and put on his sandals. 

            “Hey, don’t let me spoil your good time, Ted.  Go out.  Catch syphilis.  Do what you got to do.  Spend your Spring Break whoring and whatever, but I need this time to do, ya know, nothing.”

            “You don’t do anything at home but study, work, and sleep.  Now we’re here, it’s not long until a magical Florida sunset, and you’re still being lazy.  You’re missing your life, man.”

            “I’m not missing shit.  You do your thing, I’ll do mine.  It works back in Chicago, it’ll work here.”  Jimbo stopped on the Weather Channel.  “I love watching the weather when I go on vacation.  The map looks all weird.  Look how much blue is on this one, man.  Hard to believe that there is that much ocean out there.”

            “It’s not an ocean, it’s a gulf.  All right.  Fine.  Be a stick in the mud.  I’m going to go to a seafood restaurant, eat oysters till I have a permanent hard-on.  Then, I’m gonna hit the club, get sloshed, and hit on every twirl that my eternal erection points at.  My cock is gonna be a sexual divining rod.”

            Jimbo laughed.  “Really?”

            “When I bring some hard body back here, you’d better vacate.  Are you picking up what I am putting down?”  Ted crossed his arms.

            “I feel ya.”  Jimbo sighed.  “Just not on my bed.”

            “If I get any on your sheets, I’ll let you know before you climb in and get semen between your toes.  I’ve been eating a lot of bananas lately, so there’s no telling how much coverage I’m gonna get when I explode.”

            Jimbo rolled his eyes.  “And here all my anthropology studies led me to believe that cavemen were extinct.”

            Ted bounced around the room, grunting and pounding his chest.  Jimbo turned up the volume on the television.

            “All right, I’m out of here.  There’s cocktails in the little fridge, and if you feel like getting social, I have my cell on me.  If not, when we get back, I’m telling everyone how gay you were down here.”  Ted opened the hotel door, allowing warm afternoon sunlight to spill into the darkened room.

            “Whatever,” Jimbo said.

            “Later, loser,” Ted said, slamming the door as he exited. 

            …foggy, with highs in the upper 70s.  There is only a 20 percent chance of rain this evening, but those numbers increase as we near the weekend…

            Jimbo shook his head, flipping the channel away from the weather.  An hour later of cartoons and tourist television showcasing local restaurants and bars, he still had not found something worthwhile.  He glanced over at the unhooked Playstation 3 on the dresser beside the television.  It would only take a minute to plug in the power and RCA cords, but he didn’t feel like getting up.  He stopped the channel on a cooking show and rested the remote on his chest.  His eyes began to droop…

            …for only 19.95.  And if you call now, we’ll double your order, free of charge.  But that’s not all.  Sally, tell the viewers at home what else they’ll get when they call now…

            When he roused, it was dark outside.  Car horns and spring breakers’ hoots and hollers wafted from the gridlocked main drag, Front Beach Road.  Despite offensive gas costs, cruising the strip was a Spring Break must; a longtime tradition on the World’s Most Beautiful Beaches.  Jimbo thought about walking the strip but yawned, sliding his hand down his pants and grabbing his penis.  He started imagining the pretty red head that sits next to him during American Government.  The previous week she came to class wearing a black dress that showed off her ample cleavage.  He imagined her crawling into bed with him, sliding out of the black dress and pressing her soft, pale breasts into his chest.  Flaccid flesh was giving way to an erection when Jimbo sighed and stopped.  As the urge to get off evaporated, he pulled his hands out of his pants and resumed flipping channels.

            …Try the new triple jalapeno burger with our new double beer battered potato and onion curls…

            Stomach rumbling, Jimbo rolled out of bed.  Beside the phone was a thin magazine advertising places to eat.  He flipped pages until he saw a pizza place and considered ordering his favorite—ham and pineapple—but calling the restaurant and talking with some dumb kid seemed like too much work.  In fact, a lot of things seemed like too much work for Jimbo lately.  He’d been pushing himself hard in school: 5 classes, fifteen credit hours, a full-time job flipping burgers—the past semester and a half left him burnt out.  Worse, he was uncertain how to apply the Philosophy Degree to the real world.  Jimbo feared his fate was tied to a fast food nightmare.  Serving French fries and soft drinks to ungrateful assholes was the epitome of burning in hell to Jimbo, and he had no desire to be an old man with the devil watching over his shoulder.  He needed to relax before his head exploded, so he changed into swim trunks, grabbed a towel, and headed for the hotel pool.

            It was early dark, and the pool, surrounded by a chain link fence, was deserted.  As Jimbo pushed his way past the metal gate, he read the rules posted in block red letters on a sign affixed to the fence: (1) shower first, (2) no pets, (3) no glass, (4) pool closes at 10 p.m., and (5) no running, horseplay, or yelling.  He spread out the beach towel on one of the plastic lounge chairs by the deep end before plopping on it.  Tall shrubs blocked the view of Front Beach Road’s traffic, but the mirthful sounds of students temporarily free from higher learning’s bondages reached the pool.  Jimbo wondered if the laugher and hollering were loud enough to ripple the water.

            His eyelids began to close…

            The gate slamming snapped him back to the pool.  A slender blonde wearing a black bikini and carrying a neon orange beach towel walked along the deck, choosing the closest lounge chair to roost.

            “Hi,” she said.  Jimbo could smell her perfume as she kicked off her flip flops.  “It’s a beautiful evening, isn’t it?”

            “Sure is.”

            “I just love Spring Break.  It’s, like, the best party of the year.  Did you travel far to get here?”

            “Chicago.”

            “Wow, that is a drive.  We came down from Louisville, Kentucky.  My girlfriends and I, that is.  I had to leave my cat, Belphegor, back at my apartment, but I have a neighbor taking care of him.  He’s a sweet kitty.  Do you like cats?”

            “Yeah, they take care of themselves.”  Jimbo stretched, looking back towards his room and missing his privacy.  He yawned.  “God damn, I feel so sleepy.”

            “How can you be tired at a time like this?  You should be going nucking futs.  My girlfriends, like, wanted me to go have sushi at this place we saw on the way in, but I don’t like Asian food or raw fish.  I’m more into hamburgers and fries, ya know.  I don’t even know how to hold them chopsticks.  Say, what are you doing down here all alone?  Don’t you have friends here?”

            Jimbo cleared his throat.  “Yeah, I came down here with my roommate, but he went out.  I really needed some rest.  This semester has been a bear.”

            “I hear you there, buddy.  I’m in four classes and bartending at night to make it all work.  Sometimes I’d rater just drink beer all day instead of go to class, but, ya know, college is all about pushing yourself to be better.”  She giggled.  “You should come take a dip with me.”

            Jimbo’s eyes widened and darted towards the blue water.  “In the pool?”

            “I’m too scared of sharks in the sea.” 

            “It’s a gulf, not a sea out there.”

“Whatever.  Now that it’s dark, there’s no telling how many man-eaters are swimming around, waiting for some tourist to dive in and get nommed.  I’m in no mood to be dinner for Jaws.”  She walked over to the pool and dunked her toes in.  “It feels perfect.  Let’s go for a swim.” 

            “I don’t know.  I’m not much of a swimmer.”

            “Aw, come on, Chicago.  You’re only young once.”  She stepped off the ledge and splashed into the deep end.  Jimbo wondered if hotel security noticed she didn’t bathe first.  When she resurfaced by the ledge, she brushed wet hair from her eyes and smiled.  “This feels great.  Come on, Chicago.  Come swim with me.”

            “I don’t know Kentucky.  I really don’t feel like it.”

            “You mean to say you don’t want to splash around with me?  That kind of, like, hurts my feelings.”

            “Well, I don’t mean to offend.  It’s just that I am so tired.”

            She shot him a sly look and untied her top, throwing it at him.  “How about now, Chicago?”  She pulled herself up on the pool’s ledge, flashing her breasts for a second.  “I hope you have beads…and a condom.”

            Jimbo swallowed hard.  “I—I really need to get back up to my room.  In case my roommate calls.”

            “For real?”  The blonde frowned.  “I was thinking we could have some fun this week.”

            “Maybe, if I see you around…”  Jimbo rose, gathering his towel and rolling it up in a ball. 

            She rolled her eyes.  “Whatever.  Well, I am in room 204 if you change your mind.”

            “Thanks.”  He hurried out of the pool area, letting the gate slam as he exited.

            …side effects may include: diarrhea, dry mouth, itchy eyes, and night sweats.  Ask your doctor today about the amazing healing power of…

            Once in the room, Jimbo tossed the towel on the floor before returning to his spot on the bed.  He thought about Ted and wondered where he would go if his roommate did manage to hook up with some intoxicated hussy.  Although Kentucky was attractive, he really did not feel like engaging her sexually.  Kissing, undressing, and screwing seemed like overexertion, let alone the idle banter and walk of shame following such a lurid tryst.  What if Kentucky attempted to transform the random, poolside encounter into something more substantial, like a long distance attachment or, worse, what if she made him the object of her obsessions and began stalking?  He shuddered at the notion.

            …on average, most people have no idea how to properly clean their bathrooms.  With new Miracle Bathroom Bomb, proven to eliminate 99.8 percent of all noxious bacteria and germs, you’ll never have to worry about…

            He turned the channel, ignoring an itch on his back.  Jimbo lacked motivation to scratch.  He just wanted rest, a break from reality and all of its pressures.  Solace is often found on self destructive paths, but Jimbo didn’t feel like drowning in drink, drugs, or women.  Hungover, arrested, or broken hearted sounded like too much work, and Jimbo was in a mood to do nothing.

            …and thanks to the Fat Away system, I was able to fit into those old blue jeans just in time for my reunion.  Now Cindy Lou is going to be so jealous when she sees me…

            The remote itched in his hands, but he sighed.  There is nothing you can do to combat the weather, only adapt to it.  Jimbo knew that was the sad truth to everything.  We were all stuck, one way or another.

            …as the situation became volatile, the President sent troops into the region in hopes they’ll bring a swift end to the insurrection.  In other news, recent fires in the area have been attributed to arson.  No word from the police yet on if they have a suspect, but the Bay County Fire Department has issued…

            He tried to release the remote, but his fingers wouldn’t function.  His phalanges revolted, and panic gripped Jimbo as his arm numbed.  His initial thought was that he was having a heart attack, but then he realized his whole body was tingling.  Immobile, he watched in horror as his legs melted into the hotel bed, the swim trunks and bare flesh taking on the texture and floral pattern of the bed spread.  His entire body sank—a glance down showed that his torso and arms were also dissolving into the bed.  He tried to call out for help, but when he opened his mouth nothing came out.  The bed kept swallowing as his hand fused with the remote.  Deeper and deeper he fell, until his eyes vanished within the folds where the pillows met the sheets.

            …tomorrow on the Morning Show: we will show you how to dress, eat, and think so you can be a more productive member of society.  We do the work, so you don’t have to…